Maximum Ride: Fang - James Patterson Well … this is awkward. I've been putting off writing my review for this book all weekend. I guess I'm still absorbing it. I just don't even know where to begin. So, here comes one of Brigid's really long and angry reviews, and it might contain spoilers. Sorry, I don't put spoiler alerts on my reviews because it bothers me––I'm not sure why. Anyway, here goes.If I could describe Maximum Ride in one word it would be "Why?" Why hasn't this series ended yet? Why do they keep getting published? Why are they so wildly popular? Why do people read them? Why do I keep reading them? Why don't they shoot Angel? … and while they're at it, why don't they shoot Total? Why won't Goodreads let me give a book a 0-star rating?Ok, just kidding about that last one. It's not quite that bad. In fact, I'm giving it two stars, just as I gave the fifth one … mostly just because I'm rating them in comparison to the fourth book, and I don't think any of them can ever be as horrible as book four. And at least this one attempted to have a plot, and referenced some things from the previous books like maaaaybe some questions will eventually be answered. I suppose we'll have to wait and see.As for the review of the book itself … I'm going to have to do this piece by piece. *takes deep breath*Let's start with something easy, like the writing style. Eh. I don't know. It's not exactly that the writing is "bad", it's just so dull. So basic. So sixth-grade. There's no style to it. Sure, it has a little bit of that sarcastic tone, but it's not original whatsoever. The humor isn't all that great; actually, it's annoying and ticks me off. So, I'm not a fan of the writing.The characters. Well, I used to love them and now I pretty much want to kill them all. I used to think Max was really cool but now she just comes off as conceited and dramatic and obnoxious. I also used to be totally in love with Fang, and now he seems so … I don't know. Boring? I don't like him when he's nice. He was cooler when he acted like more of an asshat. Iggy … has no purpose in life. I've never liked him so much, to be honest. He's just there to be blind and cook and occasionally make witty remarks. Nudge and Gazzy suddenly seem annoying and bratty to me. And then there's Angel … Don't even get me started on Angel. As I mentioned above, I really don't understand why they can't just shoot her. Obviously, she is like … a robot or something. She has no feelings. I thought she couldn't get any creepier, but boy was I wrong. Now we have her running off joining evil people, trying to kill Max, and seeming totally uncaring when she predicts that Fang will die. "Oh, by the way Max, Fang is going to die. You'll have to live without him. Too bad! Sorry!" Like literally, that's how she says it. WTF? Wouldn't she freak out just a little? Like I said––OBVIOUSLY A ROBOT.As for new additions to the characters, they are lame lame lame. This Dr. G-H character … creeper. I don't really get what it is with him. He's just another dull, pointless villain. Then there's Dylan … who is okay, I guess. I like the cute, clueless type. But he's pretty bland and corny and … ehhh. I guess we'll see how that all turns out in later books. Then there was that random girl who Angel stabbed with a rock at the beginning. And then she magically healed and they were all like "Ooh, lookies at that!" and then she like skipped away to Dr. Chu and we never heard anything about her again. Strange … ?On the topic of villains … I really don't understand ANY of them. Dr. G-H, Mr. Chu, Jeb, the Voice. They're all just hanging around rubbing their hands together and cackling, while none of their evil plans make any logical sense whatsoever. Well, except the Voice because it's disembodied and has no hands. But you get what I mean. See, this is why I miss Ari terribly. What he had, that the other new villains significantly lack, is the very basic of all villains––some motivation. I don't want all this horrible, clichéd, take-over-the-world crap. Like, there was that whole sort of twisted love-hate thing between Max and Ari, and Ari was so messed up and so emotionally scarred and everything and––gahh he was just so awesome! Why the heck did he have to die?! Basically, the series died when he died. There's no interesting villains anymore. Patterson (ok, I don't believe he actually wrote the books but for the sake of saving some space I'll just refer to the author as "Patterson") just keeps adding on new villains, talking them up like they're really scary, and then failing to demonstrate why, in fact, we should be so terrified of these villains. Like, Max keeps being like "Omg, I'm so scared of these people, they are geniuses who could take over the world!" And then all the villains talk and act like something out of a cartoon. I really don't see what's so special and genius-y about them.Now, let's get to the part I've been dreading the most, which is the plot. I don't really know how else to do this, so I guess I'll just bullet-point all my issues with the plot.- The Flock flies from Africa to the US in five days without stopping, so they claim. All right. Yeah. NO! NOT POSSIBLE. I don't care if you're all a bunch of mutant freaks. You can't fly over the Atlantic Ocean in five days without stopping. Well, I guess maybe you could, but really … Don't they all have super fast metabolism and have to eat a ton, if I recall correctly? Where are they getting enough food to survive? And what about going to the bathroom? I'm sorry, I always think about these things. But, seriously. What do they do if they have to pee during that epic five-day journey over nothing but flat ocean? "Oh, hey guys, I really have to pee. I guess I'll just pull down my pants and do it while I'm flying." … ? Yeah, makes no sense.- Why do they even go to Africa in the first place? I thought it would be a major part of the book, but they're only there for about fifty pages and then they leave. Whaat? And why were they there in the first place? I mean, yeah they met Dr. G-H and Dylan there and all that, but … WHY AFRICA?! It's kind of funny, because at the end of the fifth book I was like "Well, they've saved the world from global warming, and then they went to save fish. What's next? They're going to go to Africa to help starving children with AIDS?! HAHAHAHAHA!" … *sigh* I don't understand why the bird kids were designed to save the world; I mean, what's the purpose of the wings? I'm not saying that I'm against charity work. Of course doing these things is good, but why can't the series just be about regular kids, then? It's like their wings and powers and everything don't even have a freaking purpose!!- The Fax. Just … agh. Yes, we know that Max and Fang are an item now, but I don't need to be reminded every other sentence. I literally gagged a few times at all the "And then I looked at Fang and he was sooooo sexy and I felt all bubbly inside!" Guaahhh *eyeroll* Look, I used to be in total support of Fax, and now it is just weird. It's like … I just read The Great Gatsby. (Whoa, what? I am comparing Maximum Ride to The Great Gatsby?) It's like how Gatsby spends his whole life trying to get Daisy, and then when he does he realizes it's not really all that great and now he has no purpose in life. That's like what this series is like. It sort of reached that goal of bringing Max and Fang together, and now that it's there I'm discovering that it's not all that wonderful and the series no longer has a purpose in life. haha. - Angel has no soul. I know I already mentioned this, but it's worth pointing it out again. She seems totally fine with the idea of Fang dying. But then she totally freaks out when he really does die. So … WTF? It's like, you KNEW and you seemed absolutely okay with it, but when he actually dies, that's when you flip out? What? And then there was the whole part where she picked up a gun and pointed it at Max. ;KDJF;AKDJDSJ???? And the whole thing where she was like, "Max you suck. Go away. I'm the new leader now!" And everyone was like "YEAH!" Oh, right. What a great idea. Make Max leave and then let the PSYCHO SEVEN-YEAR-OLD be in charge. That makes perfect sense. But what pisses me off more is that the Flock keeps forgiving her. HELLO? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SHE IS AN INSANE, CREEPY, UNSTABLE LITTLE PSYCHO WHO NEEDS TO BE IN A STRAIGHTJACKET?????? Ahh, it's hopeless.- Dylan. Just … Dylan. Totally lame, clichéd plot twist. Oh, look! Another bird kid! He is your sooouuullllmaaaateee!! But you already like Fang!!! OH NOOOO. That one's never been done before! Seriously, the very very last thing these books need is a love triangle. But oh well.- The Voice. I still don't understand the Voice. At least it pops up less frequently now, but there is still zero explanation as to what the hell it is or why it exists. It's just there to provide an easy way to explain things at random moments.- Total is annoying. I hate talking animals. They're weird and they creep me out and they're stupid. Please, just shoot that obnoxious talking dog.- Uhhh the whole thing with the Erasers. I'm confused. So the Erasers are back? But whyyyy??? I have a feeling this will be another plot twist that stretches out for a long time and never gets solved. Plus Patterson actually started referring to that weird Max-seeing-Erasers-everywhere thing that he's forgotten about since the second book. I've always wondered about that. Although there's still no explanation for it.- Jeb. What is his purpose? Who does he even work for? Why does he hang around all the time? And if they hate him so much and really don't trust him, why do they always LET him just hang around with them all the time?- The language in these books. Well, there isn't any. That's the thing. No fifteen year old would ever seriously use the word "butthead". Puh-lease. Patterson, if you're really that uncool with swearing, at least write something like "And then I called him a naughty naughty word!" But don't make your teenage characters sound like kindergarteners, for crying out loud. Also, Patterson has started writing "WTH?" a lot. Ooh dude, you use text speech in your writing. Yeah, you're so cool. Too bad normal kids say "WTF?" anyway. :P- The titles. I know, random. But I have a problem with them. They are not very cohesive. They don't look like they go together at all. I mean: The Angel Experiment, School's Out––Forever, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports, The Final Warning, MAX, FANG … It's like these titles have freaking schizophrenia. What is this? Lemme guess, the next book is going to be called ANGEL. Or, for all I know, it could be called TOMATO. - The ending. I saved the best for last. *headkeyboard* ;KLSDJF;LKDJSKF!!!! WHAAAAAAT???? WHAT KIND OF CRAP ENDING WAS THAT???!!! I literally screamed in frustration at the end. Okay, so yeah, there was Fang dying. For a second, I thought Patterson had actually done it. Killed Fang. Bam. Drama-llama. I might have actually preferred that. In fact, the whole part where Max found him and he was dead and she had a bunch of corny flashbacks … I actually felt bad. I might have even gotten a tiny bit teary-eyed, even if it was just because I was remembering how cute they used to be in the first couple of books. But … no. Of course I couldn't expect anything even mildly deep from these books. TADAAA we stick a needle in Fang and he comes back to life. YAY! Eew. Why? If you're going to really kill off a character, can't they just stay dead? Oh well. At least Fang left at the end. "Bye Max! I looove you! See you in twenty years!" Guhh. Of course, the letter was actually like three pages long and so disgustingly corny I wanted to puke on the book. And then it was like FANG IS GONE FOREVERRRR … THE END! And I screamed. Okay so. I guess that's about all I have to say. It was stupid. I lost all my brain cells. And now I'm going to get carpal tunnel from writing that review.